Sorry Epiphanys

I fucking hate you - why are you like this - how come everything you say is a half truth | half lie but never what you actually mean - as he waits for a response from the person he says he loves. Is it love or is it obsession...this is something he will never admit because the truth hurts more than the strings of lies that have been woven into the fabric that is his reality. His inability to truly give what he never received has left him with the longing, the want, the need to find it in others. Others who are longing to give it, to shower someone in it, and to make them the center of their world. - How long can you keep going with this unhealthy circle of obsession, excitement, and danger - Still no response from the person he is supposed to love first as the mirror fogs up from the steam of the shower… ironic, given how his whole life has been a fog in a treacherous storm missing the lighthouse to guide him to safety. The lighthouses he finds in the form of the occasional butterfly that flutters by. A story of a man who cannot love, only imitate. A man who cannot find peace within himself and seeks it in the hearts of others. Someone who says “I Love You” with the heat and intensity of a volcano whose magma is a melting pot of anger, disappointment, and sadness balanced on the shifting sands of the need for another's touch. True love or the emotion nowhere to be seen.

“You need help” - The last thing that was said by the woman whom I thought loved me. “Fine, if you don’t love me anymore, just leave then!” In my moment of self induced confusion, resentment, and anger. I had failed to realize that what she said to me came from a place of love. Do I need help? Thinking back to our initial conversations and phone calls and how I would get “butterflies” in my stomach everytime I saw her text or name show up on my phone. To what it has become now. I should feel more but I don’t. Was any part of it real?